Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Dental Diet

When I went to the dentist in December to have my teeth cleaned with a special new method they have, I had no idea what I was in for. Said cleaning came with special mouthwash ("rinse for thirty seconds, don't swallow water after. Avoid eating for several hours after rinsing or risk totally unpleasant taste."). It also required a three-month prescription for this drug (don't ask what it really does. It has something to do with improving gum tissue health). The drug instructions? Must be taken twice a day, one hour before or two hours after eating. That eliminates 6 hours of snacking daily, provided I remember to rinse before taking the medicine. Otherwise it's more like 8 hours.

Next I was in for a return visit to the dentist that resulted in a crown (my first ever - why does that make me feel so old? Shouldn't I be feeling regal instead?). So for three weeks I'm stuck with a temporary and instructions to avoid: hard raw fruits and veggies, hard rolls, tough meats - steak, ribs, Italian beef (!), bones & fruit pits (which has me really bummed - I enjoy a good crunchy bone now and then), hard chips like tortillas, popcorn, hard and chewy candies, gum, pizza, granola bars, nuts & seeds, and finally ice. All those things banned from my diet. Right before Super Bowl Sunday!

Oh, and don't chew on that side of your mouth, they tell me. The side I usually chew on because the other always hurts too much. Right. I get it though, because it actually hurts worse to chew with the temporary.

So where does that leave me? Six to eight of my waking hours with no food and the rest with soft stuff that I can only half eat (or eat only halfway. With half my mouth. You get the idea). I'd been looking for a way to shed a couple extra pounds, but I wasn't expecting it to happen this way. So if you've tried all the latest fad diets and they haven't worked, maybe you just need to pay a visit to your dentist.

4 musings:

Craver VII said...

I owe you an apology. I attempted to use your idea to launch me into untold riches. Yes, I tried to steal The Dentist Diet. It’s shameful and I don’t know how you’ll ever forgive me.

I was going to contact the patent office because I was sure that I could fund the marketing program with grants from the American Dental Association. I even expected to run an aggressive ad campaign in clinics across the country.

The only thing that stopped me is that the patent officer said a person named “Llama Momma” beat me to it.

L.L. Barkat said...

There's always the whipped steak-in-a-blender option.

Llama Momma said...

I love it! The dental diet! It ranks right up there with the "take your gall bladder out" diet! Of course, only people with good insurance plans will lose any weight...

A Musing Mom said...

Craver - that's okay. I owe Llama Momma. Getting rich off the Dental Diet would be an easy payback.

LL-Um...no thanks! I'm not missing steak that much, but ribs on the other hand...

LM-and people with bad insurance plans will/do lose sleep. I try to remind myself of that when I'm in another tussle over a wrongly denied claim.